Dallas:

I'm really struggling, and I'm sure everyone is tired of this but I really am.
I'm not sure what happened yesterday but I got sick.  Really sick.  For about 7 hours.  It was just a random thing where my stomach rebelled and decided to hate me and I was having cold sweats and for about 10 minutes there I thought I was going to die alone in this apartment.

And all I could think of was how much I wanted to be home.

I slept for 19 hours and I spent more time at home than here in my dreams.
Every good dream i have generally involves being home.

I think I want to go home, but I'm not sure.
I think NYU is pretty much a very iffy thing right now.  I'm so glad I didn't do Early Decision.  I mean, if I went it could have been great, but right now I just don't feel like thats where I'm supposed to be next year.  I need another year or two to just be somewhere I know and love.  To me, thats either Umeå or Dallas.

I can't decide between the two, but right now UTD is looking so great.  I could get my license, get a car, get a job, go to school, live in a dorm, possibly join a sorority, play soccer again, be able to visit home whenever I  felt like it.  It all feels so easy and not just easy, but right.

But then here in Umeå I can be with my friends, have free education, live in a beautiful city I love, travel around Europe...It would all just be so great.


So I'm stuck.  Why can't I just decide!?






I dreamt that you were alive.
I dreamt that I was home and you were sitting next to me and it was just like it had always been.
Sometimes I regret leaving just because I lost an entire year with you.

I'm jealous of so many of you.

You have the life that I had always thought I would have.

Homecoming, prom, football games where no one pays attention, concerts.

Being a senior here is so different.

It doesn't feel like I'm in high school and sometimes I feel like

I'm missing out.

Don't get me wrong, I love living here, but I feel like...

This was never planned.  PESH was what everything would lead to.
Even though I never got the chance to go there, I feel like it's still my school.

I decided in 9th grade to come to Sweden.  I left after 10th grade.

It all just goes so fast.