It's Hard to Blog

when you don't even have time to watch tv anymore.

Between hanging out with people, working on school, putting up with migraines, trying to get better at pool, and communicating with people who don't go here, I just don't have time really.

Nothing is Something Worth Doing

I love expanding my music library more than anything in the world.
I don't need people, I don't need food.  All I need is a really comfortable bed to lie in while I listen to countless hours of music.

I added almost 4 GB to my library yesterday and I'm still planning on getting about 1 GB more in the next week sometime.  It depends on if I can actually get it though...

Ibland är jag lite besviken med hur allt slutar.  Men så är livet, inte mer att göra.  Kemi, skolan överhuvudtaget, rumskamrater, vänner, körkortet, musikskrivningen, rökningen, sovschema, arbetslös, billös, pengalös, men så länge jag har musiken och åtminstone några stycken underbara vänner, då kan jag fortsätta.

Bara några veckor kvar i terminen.

Ja, ja...Nu ska jag gå o äta frukost.

Fun fun fun

Jag älskar att ha vänner som faktiskt är intresserad av sakerna som jag är intresserad av.
Som gör saker som jag gör.
Som bryr sig om saker jag bryr mig om och tvärtom.
Folk som inte oroar sig över reglar och sånt.  Som vill bara leva livet.

Jag har träffat några stycken som kanske kan bli jättebra vänner medans jag är här...Och jag vill inte tappa dem.

Livet är ju fantastiskt om man bara lär sig att njuta av det som man älskar, ignorera det som man inte gillar, och ibland riskera allt för att allting just nu är bara en lite lite bit av hela livet.


Stay thirsty, my friends.

I'm Not Alone!

Wow.  I met another Swedish kid on campus today.  My day was made.  Han pratade till o med på svenska med mig en stund.  Eller, det var bara att säga "blah blah blah kommer ifrån stockholm" men kul var det iaf.
I actually had a decent day.  Which was greatly appreciated.  Even when I was retarded and totally forgot that I had my PLTL session until Michelle texted me 30 minutes after I should have started to ask if I was supposed to go or not.  Goddamn I'm dumb sometimes.

I've figured out which classes to take in the spring, which is also fun...

Men hallå.  Jag har ett problem.
Folk kommer och går från mitt liv hela tiden, som de bör göra...fast mycket snabbare.
Jag träffar någon och vi blir vänner inom två dagar och sen blir det inget mer av det efter en vecka eller två.  De bara försvinner.

Ibland förstår jag varför de försvinner, men ibland fattar jag absolut inget.
Är det för att de inte gillar mig?  Nej, det är jag ganska säkert att det inte är så.  Inte för att jag är en narcissist men därför de pratar med mig, ringer mig och knackar på mitt dörr.  Och vi har kul och allt, och sen...ja, vad ska jag säga?  Det slutar.  Helt plötsligt.  Varför?

Men det är inte bara att de försvinner, det är så att de kommer så snabbt också.  Efter att ha bara träffats en eller två gånger känner det som att vi är faktiskt bra vänner.  Liksom vi kan prata om seriösa saker fastän vi inte känner varann så mycket...

Jag vet inte.  Men när jag träffar folk som jag gillar, jag vill att de ska stanna i mitt liv...

I Hate How Unfair Life Is Sometimes

Not because it's unfair to me, but to the people I love.
I can handle it being unfair to me.  That's the way it is, I can make it through.  But watching other people suffer so much because of the goddamn cards they were dealt is just...it tears me up inside.
And no matter how much I want to help, I can't in this case.  By helping one person, I'd be making things really hard for another and it's not my place to do that.

How can I work this out?

Aww

Jag älskar att få umgås med gamla vänner.
Idag var det en kompis från läääänge sedan.  vi var goda vänner i högstadiet och när jag var på mitt gammalt gymnasiet men vi tappade kontakt när jag flyttade därifrån.

Han smsade idag och vi bestämde att chilla och det var så himla värt.  Jag saknar honom så mycket.  Jag fattar inte att så mycket tid har bara gått förbi.. Jag ville inte att han skulle fara även när han o sin kompis var här i nästan 8 timmar.  Och nu är jag ledsen eftersom han inte är här :(  Haha han visade mig många raver saker (han är alltså stort på det) och nu är jag ganska intresserad att lära mig...

Men det är ju för sig.  Kolla:



Men jag är lite glad att vi inte pratade ett par år för att nu när vi sågs var det that much sweeter liksom :P



Jag vill hitta andra av mina gamla vänner...

Lifetime of Scrutiny

Hatar skolan.  Eller, inte precis, men typ.
Hatar lektioner.  Förutom en och även den är lite konstig...
MEN.  Jag gillar ju människorna som går här.  Som pratar med mig eller tvärtom.
Det finns typ en tjej som jag hatar och det är bara en kul historia (haha).

Men jag vet inte.  Vet inte om jag passar in på universitetet.  Men jag vet inte om jag skulle pass in nån annanstans...Vill bara leva den fria livet, y'know?

Men så är det bara inte.  Så jag pluggar nu till ett prov på tisdag och jag har skitmånga saker att läsa eftersom jag inte kan fokusera på lektionerna...Och jag är förvirrad över vad som händer med vissa saker eftersom nåra säger att det är någonting men det inte verkar så till mig och om inget händer då ska jag börja tappa intresse.

Avslutningsvis (hah) är det här min lilla whining post.  jag vill bara klaga lite innan jag måste suck it up och bara fortsätta.

On a brighter note, found a song on a playlist I got from somebody that I have been in love with FOREVER and have never found cause I could never to remember to look for it.  Either way, found it and I love it, can't stop listening to it.  AND I found out that Bad Religion will be releasing a new album September 28th.  Super exciting :)

Change - Deftones

Faaaan!

Allting gick så bra.  Jag kollade men det var inga stora blah blah blah.  Allt var okej.
Men sen sa min kompis EN SAK och jag började tänka och plötsligt är det en grej??
NEEEEJ.  JAG ORKAR FAN INTE.
Jag vill kolla runt utan att måste tänka på sådana saker.  jag vill inte tänka på någon hela tiden.  och jag vill fan inte undra om någon tänker på mig.  pallar helt seriöst inte.

jag gillar att lyssna till andra om dera små vad det ska nu heta.  men jag vill inte ha det själv just nu.  det finns bara för jävligt mycket att tänka på redan.  nu kommer det gå overboard, liksom.  och det här är helt fel, kanske.  jag vet fan inte.  FAN FAN FAN!!

Usch.  Nu måste jag börja lugna ner mig.  Det här går inte.  Får se hur det blir.  Jävlar...

SHIT.

The Downward Spiral

Skipped school today.

But not because I'm too cool for school.

More like cause I'm a geek and am studying at home.

Nothing like taking a sick day to prepare for exams...

Both yesterday and today I've just felt completely shitty.  Really really shitty.

I just feel...sur at everything.

Only my "golden" people are making me feel happy today...

But I'm done with IB Swedish and History forever! Classes that is.  And business.  And English.  And Environmental Systems and Societies.  All thats standing between me and finals is one math lesson. Wow.

Anyways.

Yesterday I saw a great performance at Norrlands Operahus.  It was a performance by a group called the Ahn Trio consisting of three sisters from Soeul (<3) who live in New York and went to Julliard.  It kind of made me wonder what would have happened if I had put my heart and soul into the piano or viola or guitar.  I would have absolutely loved to go to Julliard...

Today I went to the bank and fixed this whole situation with my Visa card...Should have it completely done next week or the week after, depending on when I get it...I have my trip to Stockholm to think about ;)

That trip almost doesn't feel real...

Sighhh...

Still feel just...angry at life.  With no reason at all.  And I know I've been having bad dreams but for once in my life I can't really recall what they are.  I keep waking up with my teeth clenched and thinking "oh...maybe I should relax..."  Now that I know I'm doing it I'm trying to stop until I can get a bite guard or whatever its called.

I keep waking up and thinking I'm home.  I woke up this morning and there was construction going on outside (drilling, of course...).  But I woke up completely convinced I was in my bed at home, it was spring and my neighbor was mowing his lawn.  That's what I'm used to even if I haven't woken up to that in 2 years.  2 fucking years.  I miss home...I'm generally a mature person but there are also lots of kid elements in me and one of them is missing waking up in my bed and going out to eat breakfast and my brother is watching saturday cartoons and my dad is reading the newspaper.  I eat peanut butter on toast and go outside and sit with Snowy and just let her sit next me and hug her and scratch her belly.  She's such a comfort to me and I miss her so incredibly much it's insane.  Really really insane.  She was the first one close to me to die...

But I made a glass of lemonade so I'm feeling slightly better.  Lemonade and plugg for me!

I can't even think about eating...I've just lost my appetite completely.  Maybe I'll be hungry later?

I'm not reacting to the stress very well these days.  I'm usually okay at it.

But I cried last night and I cried today and I haven't cried about anything other than Snowy in a long time.

Maybe I'll feel better after I study some more.

Or when finals are over.

Or when summer is here.

Or when I'm back in Dallas.

Or when I start college.

Or never.

Fall 2010

I know where I'll be.  Now I've really decided.  For sure.
I am going to Dallas.
Sweden has a lot to offer me, but I'd have to go to Komvux or something for a year which I realllly don't want to do.

So.  Home it is :)
That means I have until mid-July to enjoy swedish life...

I sincerely hope I am not making a mistake.

So.  UTD then either NYU or Stockholm or Umeå or Luleå/Piteå.
Haaah!
Why is Sweden so much fun?? :(

A War Lost

Yesterday Dea and I had a battle in the entryway.

She was messing around and pretending to pour water on me with my Powerade bottle (it was only water though)

I grabbed it and it started getting water on it and she had just put on hand lotion so it became slimy and very difficult to hold on to.

It ended with her holding it high above my head and pouring water on my face as I tried to grab it from her.

Noooot cooool....

The next hour was spent doing this:

Today it was lunch at school, hang out at Emma's for a while (but I couldn't stay long cause she was feeling sick and it was better to not be there too long) and then head back home to spaghetti and tomato sauce and most important of all: Laundry.

I.  Hate.  Laundry.
But I like having clean things :D

The First Day

Today is the first day of a whole new month.
It seems like just a few days ago that we were marveling over the fact that it was February.
Wasn't it only last week I was home in Dallas, spending the day at Galleria mall before going home and enjoying New Year's Eve with my family?

Sigh.

Time flies when you're having fun.



And there isn't so much fun left to be had.  Yes, lots.
But I'm getting closer and closer to July.
And then it's back to Dallas for a few years.
Maybe I can convince my parents to fund a trip back next summer (Summer 2011)?
That would be truly amazing, now wouldn't it?

I need to find an amazing high-paying job :P
Gooood luck with that!

The Last Week

Before sportlov, that is.

History P1 and P2 are done now.  I was amazingly calm during the test taking, so that was great.
I know they won't be good scores, but it makes me feel better knowing that I finished all the questions.


I think it could be fun being a lawyer.
I don't think I have the drive and wit to do well as a lawyer, but it could be fun.
But sometimes I wonder.
What if I become a lawyer in Texas and try to break a corrupt system?
But I'm kind of afraid that I would become corrupt as well.
Or consumed by my struggle against corruption.
We've all seen the movies.
Cough-Law Abiding Citizen-Cough

On a side note, this is incredibly disturbing...

The Twenty Sixth of February

It began with Paper 2 for English mocks.  Inte bra!
But the day got so much better afterwards.
I was healthy, for one thing!  It was sooo nice to not feel like crap.
I love not being sick :)

We went to lunch (Pasta!) and then went to borrow ice skates from the gym.
After that we started the long journey through gammlia forest and to find our way to Brantberget.
Let's just say we were a little confused on where we were going.

It was so pretty with the snow falling and all the trees...

We didn't want to turn...So we asked a nice lady passing by on her skis and she pointed us in the right direction :)

Our Vilhelminabo

Playing some game after FINALLY arriving at the skating rink by the slope

Vad duktig du är deson :P

Mysig

Asså, Deson.  You are much funnier than you believe.

It isn't just us that think so.

Afterwards Deson and I began to walk home which was like an adventure, seeing as we didn't really know the way.  But she had an idea of where we were going so it all worked out in the end.

What would I do without you Dea??

I don't know what I'd do without any one of you.

It's hard to imagine not knowing you guys.

It was meant to be.

It occurs to me now that moving to Sweden was a fairly impulsive decision.

It took 2 years to make happen, but it was after being here that one summer that I asked if it was possible and my parents said yes.

Maybe.

Just maybe.

Maybe I got the idea because it was fate, or whatever word you care to use.

I think it could be.

I mean, why else?

We are SO connected.

It's almost scary.

I've made my decision I think.

Undergraduate - UTD

Then I might move to Sweden permanently.

If I can find a job.

It's starting to feel incredibly...right.

I'm dying cause I love Sweden and Texas so much.