After yesterdays outburst

Today has been productive.
I have finished Du&Du&Du for Swedish now.  It was a really weird book.
I have solved my math portfolio.  It really wasn't that hard at all.  Now I just need to pretty much type it and give it to Pelle.

I have my oral for Swedish on Monday.  Eek.  Gotta finish that.  But its only like 10 minutes and its about a book that I really enjoyed, so I see it as being okay.

And then its just a couple of things for English, my History IA first draft, work on my ToK essay and presentation and figure out whats happening with my Business IA.  Sigh.  Still lots, but I think it's alright.

I'm kind of into my ToK presentation, even if everyone else might get bored or not see it as a ToK topic.  Basically its about emotions and if they can be negative.  Except i need to refine the topic and question.  But i thought it could be a good start :)

And now I'm helping my Farmor with her lunch for her bookclub.  All of the food looks super great.

This Scares Me

I really hope you're okay.
I know the doctors said not to worry, but I do, and I am.
Please Please Please be okay.
Please make it not as bad as it sounds.
Please just be okay.

Everyone has shit going on in their lives

Everyone has stuff that they can't really talk to people about

Because it's not interesting, or they don't know what to say...

But mostly because people don't give you the opportunity to speak your mind because they're so busy trying to tell you about their lives.

We are all crashing and burning,

spinning out of control.

And it's not something that we decide to do,

It's simply life.

I can't take in everyone elses' pain and suffering

cause i'm already dying from mine

and likewise with everyone else.

So many secrets.

Not because no one can know

But because no one would know what to do with it.

It just causes tension or pity or boredom or indifference.

I tried talking to you about it

But you were so wrapped up in your own problems

Things that I don't think mean anything,

things that I thought were so blissful compared to my situation

But then I realized that you were in the same situation

And had been for a while.

We are all the same

We're just too big of self absorbed drama-queen bitches to admit it.

And not just girls.

Don't you realize the pain you are causing?

Why did you choose this?

I miss you more than I can say.

I don't know how to tell you I hate you.

Shut up and get a life.

Stop complaining.  They love you

youre just too whiny to ever notice

everything that they do for you and you

just shut them down.  every time.

you should be grateful.

I loved you.  Maybe not now,

Maybe not in the same way

But I just thought you should know.

Don't be afraid to be who you are

People love you, whether or not it's true.

It's not a bad thing.

It's who you are and don't be ashamed of it.

Oh my god.

My teeth grind every time

I hear your fucking voice.

I'm sorry you had to go through that.

I wish I could have been there to hold your hand,

to give you my shoulder.

When the time came to say goodbye.

What the fuck.

I thought we were friends.

You really are a jackass.

Please oh please just be okay.

Trött

Sååå jäääävla trööötttt.  Hela tiden.  Jag fattar inte.


Jag ska far ut till Holmsund snart och stanna hos mina farsföräldrar ett par dager :)
Får goda mat och lite sällskap.  Det har varit ganska länge sedan jag såg dem sist.


Ikväll ska vi bara softa, imorrn ska jag hjälpa till med min farmors stora dam-lunch grej, och på fredag ska jag barnvakta mina kusiner lite :) det kommer att bli roligt att vara med familjen ett tag.


Hmm.  Okej, peace out.

Remember this?

I've done nothing today except work on school stuff, eat soup, and watch season 1 of Grey's Anatomy.  Yes i know. Crazy.  But this is one of the best seasons.  For real.

Karev to George: Go for it, man.  Get yours.  I'm down with the rainbow. [pause] Oh, are you not gay?

And remember this guy? Viper.  Now theres a puss-puss ;) hot!

It's been a long time with Grey's.  I've watched this show forever.  So much has changed.  I love Meredith and Derek in the first episode.  I love watching this, knowing whats going to happen.

Dallas:

I'm really struggling, and I'm sure everyone is tired of this but I really am.
I'm not sure what happened yesterday but I got sick.  Really sick.  For about 7 hours.  It was just a random thing where my stomach rebelled and decided to hate me and I was having cold sweats and for about 10 minutes there I thought I was going to die alone in this apartment.

And all I could think of was how much I wanted to be home.

I slept for 19 hours and I spent more time at home than here in my dreams.
Every good dream i have generally involves being home.

I think I want to go home, but I'm not sure.
I think NYU is pretty much a very iffy thing right now.  I'm so glad I didn't do Early Decision.  I mean, if I went it could have been great, but right now I just don't feel like thats where I'm supposed to be next year.  I need another year or two to just be somewhere I know and love.  To me, thats either Umeå or Dallas.

I can't decide between the two, but right now UTD is looking so great.  I could get my license, get a car, get a job, go to school, live in a dorm, possibly join a sorority, play soccer again, be able to visit home whenever I  felt like it.  It all feels so easy and not just easy, but right.

But then here in Umeå I can be with my friends, have free education, live in a beautiful city I love, travel around Europe...It would all just be so great.


So I'm stuck.  Why can't I just decide!?






I dreamt that you were alive.
I dreamt that I was home and you were sitting next to me and it was just like it had always been.
Sometimes I regret leaving just because I lost an entire year with you.

I'm jealous of so many of you.

You have the life that I had always thought I would have.

Homecoming, prom, football games where no one pays attention, concerts.

Being a senior here is so different.

It doesn't feel like I'm in high school and sometimes I feel like

I'm missing out.

Don't get me wrong, I love living here, but I feel like...

This was never planned.  PESH was what everything would lead to.
Even though I never got the chance to go there, I feel like it's still my school.

I decided in 9th grade to come to Sweden.  I left after 10th grade.

It all just goes so fast.

Grey's Anatomy Mania

So I love that show.  I really do.

But I am not loving the whole, actors on hiatus, merger with Mercy West thing.  It's proving full of drama, but I don't like the characters from Mercy West.

Except for this guy:

(the guy being held back from fighting Karev)

Dr. Jackson Avery, played by Jesse Williams

Hot! ;D

there is also a whole thing about Michael Phelps being on Grey's.  Not sure what thats all about...

(he looks great in this picture ;) except for the speedo that will probably never be godkänt by me...)

I love Karev's expression here.

I wouldn't have pegged him for a crocks person...

So yes, I am pretty much obsessed with this show,

but i like to feel that its justified by it being amazing.

Some other shows that i've (re)discovered:

Cougartown (new)

The unforgettable House

The Secret Life of the American Teenager

(even though its not really a good show, its one of those shows that has so much drama that you have to keep watching..i mean, pregnant 15 year old, father is a boy who was abused (sexually?) by his father and now lives with foster parents, his girlfriend is the school slut who sleeps with everyone, her best friend is the christian freak whose father dies the night she decides to break her promise to wait till marriage to have sex, etc etc.  its just juicy drama with weird acting and weird storylines.)

and Californication

(Looove David Duchovny, im an x-files neeerd)

Happy Days

those were good days.

that trip was great, we should travel with friends more often.

even if its just to vilhelmina or ramsele or lycksele or whatever.

The Weather Outside Is Gloomy

And yet life feels really good right now.
I have turned in my extended essay, everything else is nothing, it seems.  i mean, 4000 words. thats amazing.

It's snowing right now but its not cold enough to stick :/ i cant wait until it really sticks and builds up :D
And I love these wool tights i bought from H&M. Theyre so warm, and especially with this weather, they work great.

I've just done my search for new music and a bunch of artists have released some pretty great tracks.
These are some I really dig:

Replay - Iyaz
Alejandro - Lady GaGa
Painted Windows - Pussycat Dolls
Bad Romance - Lady GaGa
Quicksand - Britney Spears
3 - Britney Spears
Forever - Drake, Kanye, Lil Wayne, Eminem
Sexy Bitch - David Guetta, Akon
Fire Burning on the Dancefloor - Sean Kingston

and heres one that i cant find anywhere other than youtube.  its a great song.

Halloween

I wouldn't mind one of these :P

its a cake! :D

Halloween is coming up mighty soon.

Shall I have a costume/horror film party tomorrow?

Hmm...It'd be super short notice but it could be a looot of fun ;)

Track list now available, plus DJ Hero

DJ Hero Renegade album - EMINEM’s disc track list:

Taking My Ball - EMINEM
Say Goodbye to Hollywood - EMINEM
Soldier - EMINEM
The Re-Up - EMINEM & 50 Cent
Rabbit Run - EMINEM
Get U Mad - EMINEM
Bad Guys Always Die - Dr. Dre & EMINEM
Public Enemy No. 1 - EMINEM
Say What You Say - EMINEM Featuring Dr. Dre
Lose Yourself - EMINEM
Hey Lady - Obie Trice Featuring EMINEM
One Shot 2 Shot - EMINEM Featuring D-12

Personally, I'm really happy there are songs from The Re-Up.  That album deserved more publicity, it was great.  Much better than Encore I would say, actually.

DJ Hero: Renegade will be available October 27th, sooo...next tuesday :)


PLUUS, the whole DJ Hero thing will be amazing.
I mean, check it:

"The game is based on turntablism and features more than 80 remixes of two different songs from a selection of over 100 different songs across numerous genres." -Wiki


awwwesome

Undisclosed Desires

Apparently I'm not the only one that realized the heavy influence of Depeche Mode on this Muse's song Undisclosed Desires. Haha people have written about it already...

Almost done with my EE.
I managed to get it under 4000 words.  as in, after much debating and editing it came out to 3985 words.
Shit.  I'm amazed that I got it to that point.  2 weeks ago i was trying to reach 2000 words.  today i was struggling because i had 4100 words and wasnt even finished yet.

Really, if you just sit down and focus on it, the words begin to flow and the research makes sense and everythign just falls into place.  It was a nice feeling.

Matte med Studies gruppen

Nu pratar deras lärare om histograms.  Lite tråkigt (cough) men jag jobbar på min Extended och bara sittar här.
Hanna G, du är så duktig i skolan.  Jag är lite avundsjuk att du är klar med så mycket.
Jag vill bli klar med det här.  Skolan.  Jag vill ta studenten nu.

Bara några grejer klar:

1. Extended Essay
2. Business IA
3. History IA
4. Math portfolio (snart)
5. Swedish oral presentation
6. English essays on Arthur Miller and Samuel Beckett, reading Tennessee Williams, Emily Dickinson, Sylvia Plath, and Wislawa Symborzka
7. Theory of Knowledge essay and presentation

On the bright side
Bara 2 lektioner kvar tills höstlov!!  Det är jättespännande.  Och sen ska det bli fest kanske, många filmkväller, och kanske några sleepover-festar ;P  jag ska också resa ut till holmsund kanske en dag och besöka mina farsföräldrar.

Och sen kommer v.45 och Hanna G ska kanske bo med oss några dager (haha ska se hur det går) eller kanske en vecka.  Filmkvällar varje kväll och efterfest på balkongen, visst?

Ja, det kommer att bli roligt ;)

/Hanna

It's Been 3 Months Since You Left Me

And I still miss you every day.
My darling.
They want to replace you but it doesn't seem possible.
You meant more to me than most people have in my life.
You were family.  You are family.
I miss and love you baby.

You said move on, where do I go?
I guess second best is all I'll ever know

New Muse album

I've now listened to the entire album straight through.
The Resistance is an amazing album, very true to Muse i would say, especially with the amount of synths and somewhat western feeling synth pop alternative rock. haha, a bunch of pointless words, but the only words i can use to describe it.

A couple of songs sound very influenced by other eternal artists.  for example, United States of Eurasia is very Queen-reminiscent, Undisclosed Desires bares an extreme likeness to that of Depeche Mode, and Exogenesis: Symphony Part 1-3 all remind me somewhat of songs from Disney's Fantasia.  All of them are great choices though.

the music is amazing.  Muse has always been good at that.  the lyrical and melodic flows are so great.
I listened to it on Spotify and its so good...im pretty sure ill buy it. next month?  christmas?  ill have to find a time to get it.

Here I am, on top of the mountain again

Dea and I went to Willy's today to do some grocery shopping.
I complained pretty much the entire way there.  Sorry about that Dea :)
But my bike was squeaking super loud and the seat is broken so i cant sit on it comfortably and it hurt biking and my lungs were burning from the cold air.  So i complained.  i need to kick that habit.

I think that people take the teacher-student relationship for granted in sweden.  in dallas it was like we couldnt really talk to our teachers because...it just didnt work like that.
as we got older, it was okay but generally, you were friendly and polite but never friends.
here we're allowed to be closer to our teachers in a way that we can speak freely with each other.
i wish people could see that its better that way.

owner of a lonely heart

What would Elvis do in your shoes?

Just nu tänker på halloween, thanksgiving, och jul.  alla kommer skitsnabba...

Men vad ska vi göra om det?

Halloween:
Costume party! Eller, om det finns bara några sticken fortfarande i umeå på höstlov, kanske minst en skräckfilmkväll?  Nånting spooky. i miss how all the houses used to get all decked out, over the top, even the insides filled with decorations.

Thanksgiving:
Dinner!  The whole 9 yards på det här.  Liksom förra året.  Ahh, så himla gott!  Kalkon, äkta potatismos, stuffing, gravy, bread rolls, majs, allting möjligt! kanske även pumpkin pie :)

Och Jul:
Samma sak här, jag saknar hur festive allting blev.

jag vill hem till jul, men vet inte om det är möjligt detta år.

Everything is right around the corner.

Shieza, its already almost November!

Uttråkad

I feel weird.

It's like, I'm super bored.  Even though I'm working on my Extended Essay (done with the intro, methodology, and discussion, just filling out the analysis, then its the conclusion & abstract, and do the bibliography).  And I want to do something.  But i'm too sick to do anything.  I was actually too sick to have jennie over yesterday but im glad i did anyways cause we had a good laugh and i am now less likely to go insane from lack of human contact.

and im tired. so tired.  but i dont want to sleep.
and i made homemade soup (suuper good too!) with garlic in it, but there was a looot of soup but it was good and spicy and i drank it all and i drank about 1.5 liters of water at the same time so i feel gross in my stomach cause im so full.

and there are stupid kids outside my balcony who are loud and obnoxious and im just so tired.
what the hell are they doing anyways?
i know one of them is my neighbor.  hes a real weirdo.
theyre like running around and screaming and not like the fun kind, but the childish 12 year old think theyre super tough kind.

i doubt i can go to school monday honestly.

Taking My Ball

Yesterday was fun.  Jennie came over, made fun of my scones, and then we watched Jackass and Tokyo Drift :)

TD is my least favorite of all the fast and furious movies, Han is the only thing that saves it :P

Anyways, discovered today that a previously unreleased Eminem song was leaked out today.  It was planned to be on the DJ Hero: Renegade Edition cd, along with more hits by him and other legends (Lose Yourself) but escaped onto youtube :)
here it is:





REMEMBER TO SUPPORT YOUR FAVORITE ARTISTS
Pay for your shit.  If you download it first thats cool, but if you really like it and you have the money, buy the fucking cd.

While writing my ee on pirating, im realizing more and more how much artists suffer from downloading.  seriously.  they dont make shit unless theyre like in the top 10% of selling artists.  those guys are cool, but everyone else is struggling and have to tour all the time just to make some cash.

Making up for yesterday

Nu sitter jag här och lagar mat.  Kyckling med spaghetti.  Men jag har hittat några saker omkring köket (typ oliv olja, bbq olja, svart peppar, och oregano, konstig blanding, men luktar god iaf)

Och sen efterrätt :D

Scones!

Fast, kanske inte så elegant som dom här...

jag borde plugga.

Ain't no stopping me from chopping him up, up

I am addicted to Eminem, pretty much.

I've managed to create a small list of my all-time favorite artists.  And I mean, all-time. Not stuff that I enjoy, but the "oh.my.god.i.love.this.artist.so.much.im.collecting.their.discography" kind of stuff.  This is not in order, btw, as they can't be compared to each other that way.

1. Pink Floyd
2. Eminem
3. Bad Religion
4. Radiohead
5. Amy Winehouse
6. Mindless Self Indulgence

Thats my list :)

It's none of your dang business, kid.

I'm still sick, but i would say im much better, just still pretty tired and lacking energy and i still have that gross pleghm-y cough that burns every time.

I'm doing my laundry now :)  I haven't really gotten around to it lately but now im doing 3 loads.



I need a party.
Maybe i'll throw a halloween party.
but people are leaving :/
so that kind of sucks.
but maybe we'll just have a movie night at my house anyways :)

scurry movies.


A world so dark
A world so cold
A world where only some will go
                                (Stay Wide Awake!)
But none return
When will they learn?
Where do they go?
God only knows
             Stay wide awake...

Home, Sick

I havent left the bed or couch all day pretty much.
All ive eaten today is some mashed potatoes.
it hurts to eat, it hurts to breathe.

But i've managed to work a bit on my extended essay
im all caught up in gossip girl.
tomorrow is greys anatomy.

im really tired.  i feel like i can barely keep my eyes open
but if i close them they open automatically by themselves.
weird feeling.

my cough is one of those deep coughs, the kind that almost seems to have an echo.
i have a tickle in my throat and ears.


ugh.

Weaknesses

Just nu vill jag bara gråta.  Även om livet är ganska bra just nu, jag har det ganska svårt att hitta allting utom den dåliga grejerna just nu.

Min bror har svin influensa.  Jag är också sjuk och varje gång jag höstar vill jag gråta därför jag har så jävla mycket ont i huvudet och halsen.  Mina "lungs" känner liksom dom ska bara sluta att funka.

Jag saknar hemma just nu.

Jag kommer aldrig at bo hemma hos mina föräldrar igen.  Och det känns jättebra och jättedåligt på samtidet.  Jag älskar mitt hus i Dallas och jag älskar faktis min familj.  Jag saknar min lillebror och min syster.  Hon fyller 20 nästa vecka...och min bror fyller 12 år i november...

Och jag vill tänka på bra grejer, men allt jag kan tänka på är att jag känner sjuuuukkk...

jag måste vara stronger men just nu kan jag bara vila och gråta.

i   h a t e   b e i n g   w e a  k   l i k e   t h i s .

Nu är det på g igen

Men på ett annat sätt.

Har just gjort min hemläxa till svenska b. Check.
Har provat studentmössarna idag. Check.
Har skickat in min Case Study för Enviro. Check.

Det känns verkligen som vintern nu. Fast kanske inte en Ume vinter, men en Dallas vinter. Det blir nästan precis så här mitt i december. Jag älskar det. Men jag vill ha snö egentligen. Jag vet; det kommer snart :)

Skolan har börjat bli ganska bra. Det har varit bra förre, men inte så här. Nu känns det liksom jag är med på allting. Jag kan fokusera lite mera.

Och eftersom jag har gjort SAT och har flyttat deadlinen för NYU tills januari, allting känner lite lugnare. Som jag kan andas nu.

Tydligen jag har kompisar ifrån texas som läser det här. haha.
eller kanske inte, men. två har kommenterade (haha) förut.



So one more time for old times sake
Dre drop that beat and scratch that break
Now send a little bit of that smoke my way
You are now smoking with the best, the best.



P.S.  Bilden har jag stulen av jennies blogg, fast det var jag som tog den :)  studenten kommer snart! bara 216 dager kvar (according to emmas blog :P)

Hey Jude

It's all coming down to this.

1. Business IA
2. History IA
3. Catch up in math
4. History assignment
5. ToK essay
6. Read Swedish book
7. Work on Swedish recension
8. Work on practical for Environmental Systems
9. Read Waiting for Godot
10. Finish 2 essays for English
11. Read A Streetcar Named Desire
12. Extended Essay

Almost all of them are due before höstlov.  Yuck.

You're asking me, will my love grow?

I don't know, I don't know.

You stick around, now it may show

I don't know, I don't know.

The Beatles are immortal.

Tillbaka till Ume

Nu sitter Jennie B och jag på bussen, på vägen till vårt kära Umeå :P
Resan har varit jättebra, och jag har älskat att vara i en stor stad igen och se mina kompisar från länge sen.
Lee och jag har varit kompisar sedan vi typ föddes men vi slutade att prata så mycket när hon flyttade till en andra skola.

I've been thinking.  I think i'll wait for my application to NYU.  the stress will kill me, and if i get in without any financial aid, i will spend my entire life working to pay it off.  so i'm just going to do regular decision, which is due the first of january.  i have time then.  niice.  plus then i can keep thinking about umeå.  i love umeå.  im not sure if im ready to leave it.

but back to the point.
stockholm has been amazing.  Thursday on the bus was fun, with lots of rapping and singing with Jennie :) when we got to the busstation, lee picked us up and everything fell into place.  we were up until 2.30am just talking and giggling.

friday we went to her school, YBC, which was kinda cool, met other ib students and everything, again, it was fun.  we went to her english class and then we walked around sickla and then nacka.  Nacka forum was pretty amazing :) it was like collin creek.  maybe about the same size, but 3 stories instead.  bought some amazing new clothes, all for very good prices too :D  jennie and i have a new favorite store: The New Yorker.  Greeeatt clothes there.  i bought 2 shirts and a cardigan thingy there.

saturday: took the SAT (finally over!) and then we went to the city, then Gamla Stan to have a fika with an old family friend of mine.  it was great catching up after so long.  then we spent 30 minutes looking for Järntorget Puben until we realized it was right in front of us and we had passed it like 3 times.  didnt stay long, went to lees place and watched Australia (hugh jackman in that movie is a jaw dropper <3).

overall, its been a great weekend.  we have some new stories to tell and some plans to make :)
jag vill att lee ska komma up till umeå snart :) men jag ska vänta tills det inte ska regna eller snöa :P  för kallt för henne kanske.  måste ta det lite lugnt.

my feet are really cold on the bus...freezing in fact.


pictures later :)  even though i didnt take that many at all this time.

Number 100

Yay, i reached 100 posts! :) eller? kanske det är inte riktigt en "yay"

Iaf.

Jag saknar ganska många affärer från usa, men dom här är bästa.

1. Victoria's Secret

2. Super Target

3. Fry's

4. Charlotte Russe

5. Northpark Center (THEYRE OPENING A LOUIS VUITTON STORE SOON. WTF.)


6. T.J. Maxx

7. Urban Outfitters

8. Starbucks

9. Apple Store

Sidenote for Emma:

I would wear nothing but victoria's secret apparel and etc. all the time if i had the money and an outlet in the country...

check it out: (All from Victoria's Secret)

(partly my inspiration for todays outfit :P)

(omg, the shoes.)

(The red ones are pretty much what im looking for, except  not stiletto heels...)

(oj, de har också)

Okej, men nu är det kl 1 på morgonen, och jag måste upp om...7 timmar.  ganska bra tid.  eller.

jag kommer att önska att jag hade lagt mig tidigare.

men oooh well.

god natt.

Spotify <3

New album on Spotify.  Well, "new."

Love it.

Deprimerad.

Just nu känner jag jätte deprimerad.
Jag har även hoppat över att jobba på ee, gick omkring stan och bara browsade, och bakade en kladdkaka.
Men ingen hjälper.
Jag fortfarande känner deprimerad.

Han är i kriget.
Vi är inte så nära nu, men ändå.
Vi har varit kompisar sedan typ jag föddes.
Jag var i kär med honom för längre än jag borde ha varit.
Vi kom så nära.
Och även om han är inte riktig "my type"
Jag är inte i kär med honom nu längre.
Men jag fortfaranade älskar honom.
Som en kompis, som familj.

Och nu är han mitt i kriget.
Han har varit i iraq för typ 10 dagar.
Men jag visste inte.

Och jag vill inte förlora honom.
Jag vill se honom en gång till.  Minst.


Till vem som helst.
Någon som lyssnar.
Låt han återkomma.
Låt han leva genom det här.

Jag ska försöka vara glad.
Jag ska försöka att inte gråta över det här.
Men jag kan inte lova att det kommer att bli så.

Jag måste ta det här iväg från huvudet, innan stockholm.
Jag kan inte tänka om det här.
Jag bara kan inte.

Untitled

You think you own me
You should have known me
You took the future and the food off my family's plate
You think you'll use me
I'm stronger than you
You take my money, but it's useless
When see what I do to you
Look what I do to you

I love Blue October.


Working on my application for NYU.  I lost 3 essays (well, short answers really...) when i closed the laptop though and my session timed out.  ugh.  but i think i remember for the most part what i wrote.  so its aiight.  I'll manage.

I'm scared that we wont be able to afford it.  really scared.
i have to get a job super fast after schools over.  i HAVE to in order to just afford a bit of it.  blehhh..

this shits getting real.

i got a 13/20 on my math portfolio.  that means ill be doing 2 more.  at least.  i have to do perfect on the next one.  i really need this now...

blah blah blah.
whine whine whine.
you get the idea.

on a happier note.
well, no.  i dont have a happier note.
everything kind of sucks right now.
WAIT.  i do have a happier note.

in one week jennie b and i will be on a bus to stockholm :D