Psycho

Har just laddat ner Psycho av Eminem och 50 Cent av 50 Cent's nytt album Before I Self Destruct.
Har inte lyssnat på den än men jag tror den ska bli bra :)  I have faith in you.

Eminem har varit i New Orleans och haft sin första show den senaste 5 åren.  Sjukt hur bra han är.  Seriöst.
Jag älskar honom.  :) <3  And he actually used a good portion of jennies and my set list that we created :)  with the dedication to Proof and everything.  Thats fan adulation for you right there :P

I have also finished my first Swedish B Oral.  Oy oy oy.  Vad nervös jag blev.  Men efter ett tag jag slappnade av och bara went with the flow och jag tror det blev bra.  Förhoppningsvis.
Det var en recension som handlade om Män Som Hatar Kvinnor, en bok jag tycker jättemycket om.
Jag gillar böcker som talar ut mot sociala problem.

Yes, Yes, Yes!

Taggade Yes-Man i fredags.  Loooove it :D
Yes-Man and Grey's Anatomy.  It was an explosion of happiness.

I've decided that I want to wach the Saw films.  I read the plots online so i could understand what they're about and they were actually pretty interesting.  Like the trap where the guy has to do emergency trach to breathe cause his heads in a glass jar thing filling with water.

Me: I like how I know what a tracheotemy is because of Grey's.  I learn a lot of common medical terms from watching that show.  Like aneurysm.
Jennie: or inoperable tumor.
Me: ...

we have fun.

Yesterday was Halloween.  The whole idea of a party just never happened. haha.  Instead jennie came over and we watched The Orphanage and Shaun of the Dead, both are great films.  Oh my goodness, the Orphanage is sooo good.  It's super creepy and super messed up but its a more classy type of horror film.  its not even really a horror film.  more like creepy film.  and Shaun of the Dead is one of my favorites so no complaints there :)

Afterwards it was a sväng omkring stan as we waited for Jennies bus.  Saw a looot of drunk people in costumes.  Some were funny (wolverine, duffman) while others were creepy (jennie knows which one im talkig about)

Halloween is very different here.  If I go home, I'm really going to enjoy next years halloween.

Och nu ska jag äta kalkon, typ Thanksgiving-style, fast det är inte Thanksgiving än.
Ska kanske skype-a hela familjen senare.  yay :)
Saknar hemma ganska mycket just nu.

After yesterdays outburst

Today has been productive.
I have finished Du&Du&Du for Swedish now.  It was a really weird book.
I have solved my math portfolio.  It really wasn't that hard at all.  Now I just need to pretty much type it and give it to Pelle.

I have my oral for Swedish on Monday.  Eek.  Gotta finish that.  But its only like 10 minutes and its about a book that I really enjoyed, so I see it as being okay.

And then its just a couple of things for English, my History IA first draft, work on my ToK essay and presentation and figure out whats happening with my Business IA.  Sigh.  Still lots, but I think it's alright.

I'm kind of into my ToK presentation, even if everyone else might get bored or not see it as a ToK topic.  Basically its about emotions and if they can be negative.  Except i need to refine the topic and question.  But i thought it could be a good start :)

And now I'm helping my Farmor with her lunch for her bookclub.  All of the food looks super great.

This Scares Me

I really hope you're okay.
I know the doctors said not to worry, but I do, and I am.
Please Please Please be okay.
Please make it not as bad as it sounds.
Please just be okay.

Everyone has shit going on in their lives

Everyone has stuff that they can't really talk to people about

Because it's not interesting, or they don't know what to say...

But mostly because people don't give you the opportunity to speak your mind because they're so busy trying to tell you about their lives.

We are all crashing and burning,

spinning out of control.

And it's not something that we decide to do,

It's simply life.

I can't take in everyone elses' pain and suffering

cause i'm already dying from mine

and likewise with everyone else.

So many secrets.

Not because no one can know

But because no one would know what to do with it.

It just causes tension or pity or boredom or indifference.

I tried talking to you about it

But you were so wrapped up in your own problems

Things that I don't think mean anything,

things that I thought were so blissful compared to my situation

But then I realized that you were in the same situation

And had been for a while.

We are all the same

We're just too big of self absorbed drama-queen bitches to admit it.

And not just girls.

Don't you realize the pain you are causing?

Why did you choose this?

I miss you more than I can say.

I don't know how to tell you I hate you.

Shut up and get a life.

Stop complaining.  They love you

youre just too whiny to ever notice

everything that they do for you and you

just shut them down.  every time.

you should be grateful.

I loved you.  Maybe not now,

Maybe not in the same way

But I just thought you should know.

Don't be afraid to be who you are

People love you, whether or not it's true.

It's not a bad thing.

It's who you are and don't be ashamed of it.

Oh my god.

My teeth grind every time

I hear your fucking voice.

I'm sorry you had to go through that.

I wish I could have been there to hold your hand,

to give you my shoulder.

When the time came to say goodbye.

What the fuck.

I thought we were friends.

You really are a jackass.

Please oh please just be okay.

Trött

Sååå jäääävla trööötttt.  Hela tiden.  Jag fattar inte.


Jag ska far ut till Holmsund snart och stanna hos mina farsföräldrar ett par dager :)
Får goda mat och lite sällskap.  Det har varit ganska länge sedan jag såg dem sist.


Ikväll ska vi bara softa, imorrn ska jag hjälpa till med min farmors stora dam-lunch grej, och på fredag ska jag barnvakta mina kusiner lite :) det kommer att bli roligt att vara med familjen ett tag.


Hmm.  Okej, peace out.

Remember this?

I've done nothing today except work on school stuff, eat soup, and watch season 1 of Grey's Anatomy.  Yes i know. Crazy.  But this is one of the best seasons.  For real.

Karev to George: Go for it, man.  Get yours.  I'm down with the rainbow. [pause] Oh, are you not gay?

And remember this guy? Viper.  Now theres a puss-puss ;) hot!

It's been a long time with Grey's.  I've watched this show forever.  So much has changed.  I love Meredith and Derek in the first episode.  I love watching this, knowing whats going to happen.

Dallas:

I'm really struggling, and I'm sure everyone is tired of this but I really am.
I'm not sure what happened yesterday but I got sick.  Really sick.  For about 7 hours.  It was just a random thing where my stomach rebelled and decided to hate me and I was having cold sweats and for about 10 minutes there I thought I was going to die alone in this apartment.

And all I could think of was how much I wanted to be home.

I slept for 19 hours and I spent more time at home than here in my dreams.
Every good dream i have generally involves being home.

I think I want to go home, but I'm not sure.
I think NYU is pretty much a very iffy thing right now.  I'm so glad I didn't do Early Decision.  I mean, if I went it could have been great, but right now I just don't feel like thats where I'm supposed to be next year.  I need another year or two to just be somewhere I know and love.  To me, thats either Umeå or Dallas.

I can't decide between the two, but right now UTD is looking so great.  I could get my license, get a car, get a job, go to school, live in a dorm, possibly join a sorority, play soccer again, be able to visit home whenever I  felt like it.  It all feels so easy and not just easy, but right.

But then here in Umeå I can be with my friends, have free education, live in a beautiful city I love, travel around Europe...It would all just be so great.


So I'm stuck.  Why can't I just decide!?






I dreamt that you were alive.
I dreamt that I was home and you were sitting next to me and it was just like it had always been.
Sometimes I regret leaving just because I lost an entire year with you.

I'm jealous of so many of you.

You have the life that I had always thought I would have.

Homecoming, prom, football games where no one pays attention, concerts.

Being a senior here is so different.

It doesn't feel like I'm in high school and sometimes I feel like

I'm missing out.

Don't get me wrong, I love living here, but I feel like...

This was never planned.  PESH was what everything would lead to.
Even though I never got the chance to go there, I feel like it's still my school.

I decided in 9th grade to come to Sweden.  I left after 10th grade.

It all just goes so fast.