Going down a bad road ever so suddenly

I feel overwhelmed.
It was fine before dinner..
Suddenly, out of nowhere, my head hurt and i feel pressured to do everything at once.

I need to finish my business internal, and ive just discovered that the manager does not want me to speak to him.  I could switch my question super fast to the one i have to do for my nyu application but im not sure if i want to do that.

I need to do my extended essay.  desperately.

Ive barely looked at my history internal.  and its a weird question too.

and college applications.  the early decision thing is killing me.  im suddenly finding it very difficult to apply.  I hate that i go to a swedish school without real fucking grades cause now i have nothing to show them except for predicted grades which dont stand for anything.  i could make a 7 on the mocks and a 4 on the exam.  and what happens then?

im sick.
and i dont orka anything.
i really feel like giving up.
even though i know i wont.

i just need to suck it up.

and right now all i can think of is how much i hate doing this
and how much i miss my dog.
shes on my mind every time im alone.
every time there are no distractions.



i was overloading on the happiness maybe.

after talking about it today
ive thought about it.


why havent i been angry since i came here?
its not cause im super happy here.
its not cause i have no reason to be sad.
could it be because im so determined to forget the things that fill me with rage
and make me want to break down and cry
that i have to laugh at everything
in order to stay sane?


and could it be that its now going against me
and all this laughing
and happiness is starting to wear me down?


but right now i have legit reasons to be happy.
so right now its okay.  but in general.